Overpriced Beachwear Adventure

Sometimes I feel that my own particular sense of style has resulted in me missing some of the more crucial fashion opportunities available on today's high street. Being as I am, both pretentious and stingy,  there are only a few outlets that can effectively cater to my needs.

This has left me with a slightly warped view of the high street, both in the availability of items present, and what they should cost. As I am very used to the two extremes of the shopping experience, ie getting specifically what you are looking for (the internet)  to rummaging through stuff that smells like cat pee and hoping for the best (charity shops). Subsequently I find traditional shops a slightly baffling episode. I've got a bit better over the last couple of years, and now quite enjoy high street shopping. It's nice to wear clothes that don't make me look like I should be pushing a shopping trolley full of plastic bags. Every so often however, I overstretch myself, and  attempt a shop that is far, far outside of my sphere of understanding. I resent these brands from a distance, but these resentments are primarily unfounded. Every so often I decide that these prejudices are foolish and I should face them head on and conquer them. It's not good to go through life holding such opinions with no experience to back them up.

There is one sub sect of the market for which I hold a particular hate. The Jack-Wills/Abercrombie and Fitch corner. They sell comfy looking clothes for £60 a pop. I don't understand why that is a fashion statement,  to look like you've spent less on your clothes than you actually have. Take Jack Wills jogging bottoms. Jogging bottoms were created to mop up your sweaty arse while you exercise. That is literally the entire reason for them existing and you're willing to fork out two nights out equivalent cash for the privilege of looking like you may have a sweaty arse. But not any more, because your magnificent jogging bottoms  have soaked up those bodily fluids like a motherfucking champ.

I feel like this based on almost no personal experience so off I popped to a shop that displays all of the qualities I have described above and more. Hollister.

I hate Hollister. This was the primary conclusion that I drew from my brief but highly impressionable experience with it. I don't understand it. Any of it. More than anything else,  it's the OPPOSITE of what you want from shopping. Here's my basic requirements for a shop:

Hollister does not fill ANY of these requirements. Here's what shopping in Hollister is like:

I think the idea was that you were meant to feel like you were in a cool house party. But also shopping. This is a combination that doesn't really mesh. After being accosted by shop assistants who were trying to be my friends, I blundered around looking for something, anything that I could relate to. The shop was set out much in the style of a labyrinth. I feared I may grow old and die there. Layout aside, I then decided to focus on the clothes. 

Nothing was apparently for sale. This made deciding whether or not to purchase something nigh on impossible. I'm assuming that Hollister caters exclusively for those who are financially independent, and don't have to worry about silly things like how many noughts are on the end of something before they buy it.

I got scared, and left.

In conclusion, I do hate Hollister for god reasons. And furthermore, I will hate it from a distance in future

Why I Should Probably Learn To Drive

This is a  post about the most annoying/terrifying things that have ever happened to me on trains. A lifetime of travel by railway has given me a wealth of anecdotes and opinions. Enjoy!!!

1) One of the things I have frequently experienced during my time as National Rail's Bitch is the train grinding to a complete halt due to signal failings, cows, leaves, snow, or maybe even death eaters on the line. Who knows. Either way your not going anywhere fast.

Life however moves on around you, and this can make you extremely resentful of anyone who is getting anywhere faster than you are. 

2) Missing Trains  

The hardest part is pretending that you didn't really want that train anyway.

3) The Time I thought the end of my days had come.

The other two scenarios in this post are fairly gross exaggerations of fairly mundane events. This however is probably the most faithful recounting of an episode in my life that I will ever tell.

First: Lets set the scene.

 I was in a very overcrowded train on the underground Victoria line heading towards St. Pancras station. I was travelling back up to university after the Christmas holidays, and an overloading of  thick woolly jumpers and DVDs meant that my bag weighed about 11 stone, also I may have been hungover. I don't normally like travelling on the underground, and this was exacerbated by the fact that it was a Sunday and most of the other train lines were down for repairs. I was wedged in place by the shear force of everyone pressing against me. I probably could have lifted my feet of the floor and remained upright.

Bearing all this in mind: the train then stopped in the middle of the tunnel and the lights went out

All things considered, I feel I handled the situation remarkably well. I stood there patiently, waiting for the fireball I knew was about to engulf me. It was my destiny to die here wedged between groups of tourists and trenchcoat masturbators. The other people on the coach were clearly feeling the same; we exchanged a nervous giggle as a group. It is important to note that you are more likely to witness man colonising Mars than you are people acnologing each other on the London underground. I more sure than ever that I was going to die.



And then the lights came back on.

I had felt better than that before I can assure you. 

THE END 

The Pros and Cons of Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

This might seem like a no brainer (excuse the pun). Of course it's better to survive the zombie apocalypse. Choose Life. However on closer inspection, a number of arguments can arise which casts shades of grey upon this apparently monochrome issue.

I will present a list of positives and negatives of life after the zombie apocalypse, which will hopefully serve as a useful guide for consideration, should the need ever arise.

Pro: You get to play with guns

Con: EVERYBODY gets to play with guns

Pro: The requirement to shower or look after yourself will be obsolete

Con: You will live in a world of ugly, smelly people 

Pro: This is a chance to build a new Society

Con: The society will probably dissolve into a rabble of people who serve a tyrannical overlord in the fashion of Jabba the Hut 

Pro: You can loot until your hearts content

Con: You may end up exchanging sexual favours for food. 

Pro: Everybody who told you that preparing for zombie invasion was a waste of time is proved wrong.

Con: These people are probably your close family and friends who have since died horrible horrible deaths. 

Pro: You're alive 

Con: You will live in a world exclusively populated by people who have zombie invasion plans. 

I hope you find this list useful when deciding whether to fight like the devil or lie down and put a paper bag over your head when the crucial moment arrives.